I open my eyes and my heart stops. My skin shivers. I can´t tell reality apart from dream, nightmares from consciousness. I sit up as memories from the night before flash before my eyes. Numbers on the screen. Tears building up on my eyes. Blood burnt as it ran through my veins. The words echoed in my ears without any meaning. Two a.m. and history was sealed.
I wasn’t able to dream it away, the shock, the anger, the fear. Through the night, the emotions blended into one indistinguishable feeling. I check my phone and a thought passes through my head. How did this happen? I don’t know. I open Facebook and scroll through the bright screen. The same words repeat over and over. Scared. Fear. How?
What can I do? Be quiet, accept it. No, that is not a choice. Sit silently by the sideline as I watch the land I love be destroyed by the land that stole my heart. Watch as the lives of outcasts like me are threatened by ones who fear what is different. Not be able to visit my friends without wondering if I’m going to make it back alive. I won’t accept it.
I touch my cheeks. Dry tears cover my cheeks. My eyelids weigh heavy over my eyes. I’m not sure if I slept at all last night. I look at my pillow. Dark stains run down the edge of the fabric and into the bed. How many tears did I shed last night? I lost count. I am tired of counting. My throat hurts from the screams that lost themselves into the mattress of my bed. How long did I scream for? I don’t remember. I don’t want to remember.
I am tired of crying.
I am tired of screaming.
I am tired of sitting on my bed and doing nothing.
I am Mexican.
I am a minority.
I did not get a vote.
But I’ll make sure my voice is heard.
Fear will not paralyze me. It won’t make me run. Fear will make me bear my claws and fight.